It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
