True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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