smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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