Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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