I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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