new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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