if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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