im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
