I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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