i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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