I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
