R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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