I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
