Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize