i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize