you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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