She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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