After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
