Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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