What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
