Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
