there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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