I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
