dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
