the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
