i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
