I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
