When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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