I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think I died a long time ago.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
not ubering you a puppy
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
