i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
