I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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