your parents love me but you hate me
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I could make wine with my vomit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
