Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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