I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize