this boner is exhausting
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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