Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize