Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
