I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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