Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
