i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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