john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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