Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize