her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
