my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
