you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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