omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
