you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
