I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sober January is a disaster.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
