Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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