she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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