i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
