walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
