It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
