honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
