it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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