woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My penis needs a shock collar
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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