R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize