Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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