she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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