If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
